A public school teacher was arrested today at J.F.K. International Airport
as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler,
protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press
conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who
has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute
values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves
as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If G-d had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.